


No right to love you

by parallelcurtains



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Evak AU, Getting Back Together, M/M, One Shot, Post-Break Up, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22198621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parallelcurtains/pseuds/parallelcurtains
Summary: I have no right to love youBut I do, I still doYeah, I still doIsak and Even have broken up after several months of living together in Trondheim. Now, six years later, Isak has moved back to Oslo for his PhD and he's trying to avoid his ex-boyfriend at all cost. However, his attempt fails miserably and maybe it's the best thing that has happened to him in the past six years...***"You know, we should catch up sometime", Even interrupted his train of thoughts with exactly the opposite of what Isak was thinking. "It's been years… For how long will you be staying in Oslo?""Uh, actually… I'm back for good."
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 31
Kudos: 138





	No right to love you

**Author's Note:**

> Okay... so, this is a little something I wrote for one of my favorite people after she prompted me with "post-break-up/getting back together"... And she allowed me to share it with everyone, so here you go...  
> English is not my native language and this is the first time I've written a text this long in a foreign language, so excuse any mistakes... But I'm very sure, my lovely beta-reader [Karri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerglow) has erased most of them and has probably also made this 100% better... Thank you a thousand times for your help! :-*
> 
> Well, anyways, enjoy and leave your opinion if you feel like it. I'd appreciate it.

Day breaks and when I turn  
You're not on my pillow  
"My head shakes and then the penny drops  
Still your t-shirt on my chair  
Penciled hearts on paper  
I try not to think but I can't stop  
And doubt sets in like a storm  
I could feel it coming  
And words echo out yesterday  
Time pushed me to the edge  
The jump was my decision  
I've only got myself to blame  
  
'Cause I have no right to love you  
When I chose to walk away  
I have no right to miss you  
When I didn't wanna stay  
And I have no right to need you  
When I knew what my heart was gonna lose  
I have no right to love you  
But I do, I still do  
Yeah, I still do  
  
Night falls, I'm wide awake  
Wishing I could call you  
I'm too used to hearing all about your day  
The cold creeps up next to me  
Now we don't share these covers  
But I've no license to complain  
  
'Cause I have no right to love you  
When I chose to walk away  
I have no right to miss you  
When I didn't wanna stay  
And I have no right to need you  
When I knew what my heart was gonna lose  
I have no right to love you  
But I do, I still do  
  
You know I care, but I can't be there  
To make this unmade bed of roses  
And you deserve to be put first  
I had to let you go  
  
I have no right to love you  
When I chose to walk away  
I have no right to miss you  
When I didn't wanna stay  
And I have no right to need you  
When I knew what my heart was gonna lose  
To ask if you're okay  
When I left you so confused  
I have no right to love you  
I have no right, oh  
I have no right to love you  
But I still do  
  


**(Rhys Lewis – No Right To Love You)**

Isak was nearly running down the aisle and sliding around the corner to get to the checkout as quickly as possible. He was already late, and he had no intention of letting Eskild wait any longer than he had to because otherwise, he wouldn't hear the end of it. It was only his first week back in Oslo and he was already stressing about Eskild again. No, actually he was stressing about everything and anything again – his new position as a Ph.D. student and research fellow at the UiO, his new apartment (it was his first time living all on his own and he still had to do some stuff and buy some furniture), rekindling his relationship with his mum, money (even though the fellowship paid him enough), trying to revive his social life with his old friends that he had neglected while living in Trondheim and… avoiding Even at all costs.

Before he realized what was happening, Isak was tumbling to the ground and his few groceries went flying. He had run straight into the shopping cart of a person that was casually rounding the corner at the same time as Isak. The milk spilled all over the floor and Isak's hands, while some of his strawberries rolled under the shelf to his left. "Fy faen", Isak cursed as he got up from the floor, his butt twinging with pain and his mood even worse than it already had been a minute ago. He was ready to kill that idiot that thought it was a great idea to round the corner without taking-

Isak gasped when his gaze fell onto a pretty face and blue eyes – blue eyes he would recognize anywhere. Well, so much for his plan to avoid Even at all costs… It had been three days since his arrival in Oslo and here he was, quite literally bumping into his ex-boyfriend in a fucking supermarket of all places. If that wasn't just his luck, for fuck's sake! For a second, he considered just running for the hills, but he wasn't a child anymore, so he would have to deal with this somehow.

"Halla," he mumbled, trying to plaster a smile on his lips – which probably wasn't working at all. He now took the time to take in Even in full. Even though it had been six years, Even hadn't changed much. He was still the most beautiful man ever, except that his hair was now long and wavy and that he didn't seem to wear denim jackets wherever he went anymore. But apart from that, he was still the same Even Isak had loved so much – with his gorgeous blue eyes that stared right into Isak's soul, his plush kissable lips that used to make Isak crazy, whether they were smiling, pressed to his own or on any other part of his body, and his long, long limbs which used to keep Isak safe.

Even gulped at him – probably completely overwhelmed with surprise as he, contrary to Isak, didn't even know that there was a possibility of running into his ex-boyfriend in the middle of a supermarket in Oslo. Because for Even to know, he would've had to talk to either Jonas, Eva, Eskild or Isak's mum and Isak was pretty sure that Even would've never done that. "Isak", Even finally breathed out, apparently regaining some control over his bodily functions again. "Hei… uhm, not to be rude or anything – but what are you doing here? I mean – I just didn’t expect to run into you of all people."

"Yeah… it wasn't really on my list either." Isak muttered, before he started to gather the groceries from the floor that weren't ruined. "But uhm… sorry, for running into you." Isak looked at him from under his lashes, actually blushing a little, because he felt like a teenager all over again like he had felt when he met Even for the first time in his second year of high school. And he had no idea how he did that, how he could make him feel like this after almost six years. Six fucking years and he was still a goner for Even Bech Næsheim. "It's just that I'm kind of in a rush. I'm already late for meeting Eskild and you know how he is… Uhm ja, so I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going."

"It's fine, Isak." Even replied, a smile playing on the corners of his lips. "In fact, I should apologize, since you're the one who landed on their ass. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad… And yeah, you better get going if Eskild is waiting for you or you'll never hear the end of it."

Isak laughed brightly while Even looked at him with confusion. "No, sorry… it's just that I was thinking exactly that." Even's face lit up as well and he laughed a little with Isak making the younger man's heart race. Fuck, he had always known that seeing Even again would be hard, but this? He wasn't sure if he was able to handle it at all. It would probably be best to get going and – "You know, we should catch up some time," Even interrupted his train of thoughts with exactly the opposite of what Isak was thinking. "It's been years… For how long will you be staying in Oslo?"

"Uh, actually… I'm back for good." Isak blushed again, and he had no fucking clue why. There was no reason to. This was his hometown just as much as it was Even's, he had every right in the world to move back here. He looked up at Even whose face was indecipherable. "Yeah, well… uhm, like… my number is still the same, so if you haven't deleted it, you can text me."

Even's laugh sent shivers down Isak's back, Even pushing his cart past Isak and stopping right beside him to put a hand on his shoulder. "Do you really think I'd ever delete your number, Isak?" Even whispered, way too close to Isak's ear – way, way too close. His breath was brushing against Isak's sensitive skin there, getting him all flushed. "How long will you be at Eskild's for? Maybe we can meet up for a drink after that?" And either Isak was going crazy already or the feeling of lips touching his ear lobe was actually real. "Or maybe how about dinner or the cinema? No, the cinema sucks… We can't talk there. Your choice, though."

Isak furrowed his brows, before moving away from Even a little to be able to look at him again. He couldn't quite believe how eager Even was for this _catching-up_ thing. In fact, Isak wasn't sure how to take it at all. With Even being so close he had no clue how to think clearly, so he just winged it: "You know what? I'll just text Eskild and then we can go to the park or something?!"

"As in right now?" Even grinned at him, biting his lower lip, as if he had to think about it. But all it did was remind Isak of his skinny jeans being very tight. He had to swallow hard and just nodded quickly to answer the question. "Well, I kinda have to get my groceries home first… Join me?" When he then marched off towards the checkout in long strides, Isak felt like he had walked right down memory lane to the time when he was 17 and started to fall madly in love with Even. And just like at that time, he followed him like a lovesick puppy.

*

About 30 minutes later, Isak was sat on a barstool in Even's kitchen, watching him unpack his groceries. "This is a really nice flat… do you live here alone?" Isak tried to ask as casually as possible. He wasn't quite sure, but it didn't sound too casual in his ears, but Even just smiled at him, while shaking his head no: "I share the flat with Mikael and Adam." Even put some of the stuff he bought in the fridge, before turning his head to Isak again. "Beer?" Isak nodded slightly and Even got two bottles of beer, before closing the fridge door.

"There you go,” Even said as he put down the opened bottle in front of Isak on the fancy breakfast bar. Afterwards he took a seat on the stool next to Isak and they clinked their bottles together before taking a sip each. Isak could feel Even's gaze on him the whole time and it didn't only confuse him, it also got him all flushed again. Would he ever be able to act like a normal human being around Even? Probably not! "Well then, Is… tell me what brought you back to Oslo?" Even using his nickname - even if it was only this one and not the real thing - made Isak even less of a functioning adult and more of a little, loved-up and lost teenager.

It took him quite a bit to reply, which he tried to cover up by emptying half of his beer bottle. "I'm doing my Ph.D. at UiO." Even just continued to look at him, piercing right into his soul with his damn blue eyes, apparently waiting for Isak to elaborate further. "I finished my master's degree in May… I've been trying to figure out if I want to get a job or do a Ph.D. for a while before that and then my professor from NTNU recommended me for this research fellowship here at UiO and I got in and here I am… And yeah, the research sounds pretty cool, and I'll have enough time to work on my dissertation and it pays alright, so yeah…" Isak shrugged and took another sip of his beer to avoid eye contact with Even still staring at him. "And what about you? What have you been up to since you've come back to Oslo?"

They hadn't talked ever since Even had left Trondheim after only seven months and Isak didn't know too much except the things that he could gather from the social media accounts of Even's friends. Which wasn't a lot to begin with, but he had seen some people on there that could've been potential partners. He was sure that he saw Even kiss a brunette in the background of one of Mutta's more recent pictures (meaning from about a year ago or so) and he knew that it was none of his business, but that hadn't stopped him from stalking the girl's Instagram account excessively. However, his stalking left him just as clueless, as she hadn't posted any pictures in the last three years. Isak had tried to tell himself that it wasn’t jealousy that got him to investigate, but rather just pure curiosity – and that if that girl made Even happy then, of course, it was a good thing that he had moved on.

For sure, Isak had also tried to meet someone, but to be quite honest it hadn't really exceeded hooking up and some one-night stands. And okay, yes, there had been Anders, but… It wasn’t really a real relationship, but more along the lines of rebound and friends with benefits. And as soon as Isak had realized that Anders had started to catch feelings for him, he ended things and restrained himself from hooking-up again.

And there had been Erik, of course – his obligatory crush on one of his straight friends. Sometimes Isak wondered if him crushing on a straight dude was his brain's way of telling him that he wasn't ready yet. When he had been crushing on Jonas in his first year in high school, that had been at a time when he hadn't been ready to accept the fact that he was gay yet and thus, definitely not ready for a relationship. His crush on Erik had developed when he had told himself that he was over Even and was ready for something new – a very drunk phone call with Eva had shown him that he had been anything but. She had barely managed to stop Isak from drunk texting Even that night. This had been about two years ago… And now, was he over Even now? Isak had no idea!

"Isak?" He snapped out of his thoughts when Even called his name, Even’s hand lightly touching Isak's lower arm. But however light the touch was, it didn't fail to set Isak's skin on fire – a fire that found its way straight to Isak's heart, burning through his insides in a good way, in a way he hadn't felt for six years. "Are you even listening to me, you little idiot?" Isak couldn't do anything about the fact that he was blushing again. "Sorry, I was just thinking about something… Sorry, I'm listening,” he quickly mumbled.

Even laughed quietly, while combing one of his big hands through his long hair making Isak's heartbeat out of its usual rhythm for a few seconds. "Anyway, what I was saying was that I started university some months after I came back, I'll graduate next year and then I'll be a primary school teacher."

All the feelings that had welled up inside of Isak disappeared within a second and instead of being happy for Even that he found his purpose, his passion, Isak was furious. "Are you for real right now?" Isak spat in Even's direction before he jumped from his stool. "I can't believe you, Even!" The whole reason for their fighting once they had settled in a little in Trondheim, was that Even felt like he was wasting his time doing nothing. And that he felt like he was useless and lonely, while Isak was going places, doing things and making new friends in Uni every other day. And no matter what Isak had tried to do to help him, Even just kept getting more miserable and grouchier, while indirectly blaming Isak for even being in this situation and making him come to Trondheim with him. In the end, after much fighting and many discussions, it had finally led to them splitting up and Even going back to Oslo after only about seven months. And now, after all they've been through in Trondheim, after everything Isak had tried, Even really had the audacity to sit here, all calm and composed, and tell Isak that it had only taken him some months back in Oslo to feel better again and on top of that also finding out what he wanted to do with his life?

"What the hell?" Even questioned. He was still very calm but obviously confused by Isak's reaction, as he got up as well. "I thought, you would be happy that I found something that makes me happy… but instead, you're pissed?! I don't get it, Isak, do you _want_ me to be miserable?"

Isak furrowed his eyebrows and squinted at Even. "What? Of course, I don't want you to be miserable, Even! To be quite honest, that is still the last thing I would ever wish for… But I just can't believe that you casually dropped this bomb on me, okay?! I am happy for you that you found something that makes you happy, I truly am… It's just… really hard to hear this right now! Sorry for holding you back, sorry for thinking that us moving to Trondheim together would be a good idea… And I don't know what else I should be sorry for right now, but sorry for all of that, too, I guess! It's probably best if I go now… It was nice seeing you again, Even, but I don't think we should do this again. Thanks for the beer!"

By the time Even had managed to process what Isak had said, Isak was already out of the kitchen and struggling with his shoes in the hallway. Even hurried after him, grabbed his arm and turned him around in one swift move, making Isak drop his shoe and gasp out in utter surprise. "What…?" Isak tried to snap at Even, losing all his words as soon as he looked into Even’s eyes. Shit, he could feel angry tears welling in the corners of his own eyes and he didn't want Even to see them. "I should really…"

"You shouldn't,” Even whispered, while pulling Isak closer by his arm. He then proceeded to push Isak against the wall in front of him to lean over him. "You really, really shouldn't leave, Issy." _Issy_ – and there went all of Isak’s anger and his resolution and his thoughts, too. The only thing his brain was capable of doing, was repeating the nickname over and over and over again – _Issy, Issy, Issy_ – making him go pliant for Even. "Issy, you didn't hold me back, you couldn't, you'd never… I'm sorry if I made you think that you did."

Before Isak could form any kind of reply, Even was way too far in his personal space again – their socked feet touching, Even's hands holding Isak in place and his breath tickling the skin of Isak's chin, while the tips of their noses were almost touching. And right there in that moment, Isak knew the answer to his question: No, he wasn't over Even, and he probably never would be.

Even's nose nudged against Isak’s and got Isak to look up at him again, instead of staring at nothing, because Isak was way too deep in his thoughts as he tended to be a lot of times. "You have nothing to apologize for,” Even assured him softly, while bopping his nose against Isak's one more time. "Nothing, okay, _Issy_?" And Isak felt himself melt under the sweet words and the soft touches. Even's hands wandered up and down his arms, leaving goosebumps all over his body. And Isak knew he was gone, so far _gone_ for Even, even after six damn fucking years.

"Evy…", Isak muttered, before bringing his own arms up to wrap them around Even's neck, one hand disappearing right into the long blonde hair, fisting it. "Fuck, I've missed you so fucking much." After that, Isak pulled Even closer by the neck, their noses squished together – and then their lips finally, finally, _finally_ touched again. Isak had no words to describe the feeling that rushed through him as soon as his lips were on Even's. The only thing he did know, was that he never wanted to detach from them ever again, he wanted to keep kissing Even for the rest of his life.

After one last glance into Even's blue eyes to make sure that neither one of them had misread the situation, Isak closed his own and let go, getting completely lost in their first kiss in six years. He willingly opened up his lips for Even when he let his tongue flick over Isak's cupid's bow – an offer, Isak couldn't deny him for even a second. While Even's hands were now busy fisting Isak's shirt, his tongue rapidly found its way inside Isak's mouth, searching desperately for its counterpart. Isak darted his tongue forward, letting them play together in his mouth.

They battled for predominance for quite a bit, while Isak ruined Even's carefully styled hair with his hands, unable to stop them from fisting and pulling at the long strands of blonde. He stole a moan from Even’s mouth with every pull – a fact that made Isak smile broadly into the kiss. It was as if their bodies, upon touching the other again, immediately remembered what their minds had tried to forget so desperately for so long.

And they kissed and kissed and kissed. Isak had no idea how much time had passed when he eventually had to pull back to suck in some air. Even was panting loudly and fast as well. He leaned his forehead against Isak's, eyes still shut tight, face flushed, and hairstyle ruined – he was quite the sight and Isak had to bite his own lip hard, almost drawing blood, to stop himself from devouring Even right then and there. As much as he'd love to do exactly that, he knew that he really, really shouldn't. They had to talk before they did any more of _that_.

"Even,” he whispered, still out of breath and Even's lips, now trailing his jawline, weren’t helping with getting back his breath at all. "We have to… stop, please… Oh, shit, fuck… No, no… that’s not fair, Evy." Even had decided that now was a good moment to suck on the sensitive spot behind Isak's left ear, turning Isak into jelly under his lips. It took all of Isak’s strength and his limited self-restraint to pull Even away from his ear, while his hard-on was already throbbing in his way-too-tight skinny jeans. "No, we have to talk, Even. This can't happen without us having talked stuff out beforehand."

Even's breath was still hot against his skin when he replied and Isak could feel his hard dick against his thigh. "What do you want to talk about, Issy? Whatever it is… can't it wait? I've missed you… and I want you, I _need_ you." And Isak's self-control started to crumble into tiny little pieces, but nevertheless he tried to resist not only those words, but also those blue eyes looking at him all puppy-like with the pupils dilated from pleasure. One of them had to be responsible and stop this before they did something they would regret later on, right? And since Even was quite obviously not capable of responsibility right now, too far gone already, it had to be him.

"Evy, we can’t jump back into a relationship or whatever just like that… a lot has changed. We have to talk about stuff, okay?" Isak tried to reason with Even (and maybe also with himself, because he knew he was _this_ close to caving.) He wasn’t sure it worked on either one of them when he looked into Even’s eyes again, but he tried to stay persistent nonetheless.

Even frowned at him. "What? Are you telling me that you don’t love me anymore? Is that it? Then just say it!" Isak frowned right back at him, raising his eyebrows high. What? Did Even really think that, was he really that oblivious? "Because then I and your dick will call bullshit on you, baby."

That comment was so ridiculous Isak had to laugh, even though he didn’t really feel like laughing. "You’re stupid if you really think that, Even,” he muttered softly. "Of course, I still love you. I will always love you, you stupid, pretentious idiot… All I’m saying is that a lot has changed, _we_ have changed. It’s been six years, we’re different people now… Adults with jobs and all that shit. You will be a teacher soon and the Even I know was someone who'd probably not even consider becoming a teacher, so… we really, really have to talk about all this stuff.”

"Alright, fine…" Even detached himself from Isak, who immediately regretted his streak of rationality. He wanted to pounce straight back to Even, clinging to him and never letting him go ever again. But no, he just had to be responsible… "Let's talk, then, Mr. Grown-Up!"

*

It took them about 10 minutes until both of them were cooled down enough to sit down across from each other at the kitchen table. Even was twisting his long, delicate fingers, almost hypnotizing Isak with the movements. "Can you stop with that, please?" He whispered, putting one hand on top of Even's to stop him from actually breaking one of his fingers in the process. Even sighed and untangled his fingers. "Thank you…"

"Yeah, sure…" Instead Even combed one of his hands through his hair, trying to put it back into order – and probably also to find an outlet for the nervousness that Isak could feel tugging at his stomach as well. "So, you wanted to talk… then, be my guest, go ahead, talk…" Even mumbled, his gaze turned away from Isak slightly, focusing on a spot on the table close to his left elbow. "Tell me all the reasons why this isn't a good idea!"

Isak sighed and used his glass of water as an outlet for his own nervousness. "I didn't say that. I just said that we have to talk about certain things before we do… _stuff_ , okay?" Even shrugged, obviously waiting for Isak to continue and to finally tell him what they had to fucking talk about that was so important that he had stopped Even from fucking him against the wall. "Like… I don't know… A teacher, Even? When did you think of this? How did this happen? Why couldn't you figure this out in Trondheim with me? Why…" He sucked in a deep breath and took away his hands from the glass because he was sure he would've broken it otherwise. "I mean… why did you have to break up with me and leave in a cloak-and-dagger operation like you did? Why, if it wasn't for me holding you back and keeping you from doing what you were supposed to do, Even?"

With a heavy sigh, Isak let out the breath he had sucked in earlier and then slumped back in his chair. He felt a little relieved to finally be able to ask the questions that had haunted him for the past six years, but at the same time he was scared; scared that he didn't actually wanted to know, that Even would tell him something that he couldn't stomach – or that it would be so ridiculous or dumb of a reason that he would get angry. Knowing Even and his chivalry, that was a very likely possibility after all.

"What… I… that's not…" Even was a stuttering mess, staring at Isak in what he could only describe as outrage. "I didn't leave in a cloak-and-dagger operation, Isak, what the actual fuck! We… I… okay, maybe it was a bit like that, but… I didn't mean for it to be like that. I never meant to hurt you, you know that… I would never…" Even's hands were in his hair again, nervously messing it up after he just had it put back to order seconds ago. "I'm sorry, Issy, okay? I'm sorry, but it was the only thing I could do."

"You're kidding, right?" Isak’s eyebrows raised high. By now he was sure that Even's answer to his question would be the most ridiculous thing ever. And he was already starting to get angry at him, even though he hadn’t answered him yet. Nevertheless, he took Even's hands and put them on the table, holding them down with one of his – his thumb slowly stroking circles on his skin. "It was not the only thing you could have done. In fact, it was the last thing you should've done, okay? You didn't even talk to me about what was going on… We fought all the time, but you never even said what your _actual_ problem was. So, please, at least explain it to me now, so that I can be angry about your ridiculous idea of you doing the right thing for me – _once again_."

Even hated this. He hated how Isak had seen right through him and he hated even more how right Isak was. Of course, in retrospective, it was a ridiculous thing to do. But how should he have known that back then? After seven shitty months in Trondheim, he just had been back in his old mindset of thinking that he was a burden, that he didn't deserve Isak and that Isak should not have to put up with his shit, especially not in a time when he was going forwards with his life, while Even went backwards. It had never been Isak holding Even back that had made him leave, it had been that Even had held Isak back. His boyfriend had been thriving in Trondheim – enjoying his life, doing great at Uni, getting top grades, making new friends; he even had begun to slowly rekindle his relationship with his father. Isak had everything going for him, except that he always held back a little, that he hadn't put his full energy into getting his life forward, because at home waited his miserable boyfriend who hated everything, but mostly himself. "I need… Can I ask you something first?" Even whispered, slowly looking up at Isak from under his lashes.

First Isak frowned at him and for a second, he looked at him like he wanted to rip his head off, but then he nodded. Even nervously licked his lips and bit down on his lower lip for at least 20 seconds. He had to lick some blood away before he could finally pose his question: "After I left… I mean, yeah, you probably felt like shit for a while, but all in all… Was your time in Trondheim good? Did you achieve what you wanted to achieve?"

"What the…" Isak paused and stared at Even disbelieving. Even could clearly see and feel the anger building up in him. Isak knew that he had solely asked to justify his ridiculous reasons. Would he answer honestly though? Isak took his hand away from Even's, obviously too upset to keep soothing him. "You know what, Even? Fuck you! No really, fuck you! You don't get to do that to me! You can't break up with me for whatever preposterous reasons you had and then ask me this shit to justify your doings! I was miserable after you left, okay? I questioned myself and all my decisions that had led us to that point, Even. I was _this_ close to just dropping out and following you back to Oslo because I couldn’t bear the thought of being without you. I cried more than I've ever cried in my whole life, my insomnia returned, and my grades dropped. I went drinking every weekend and sometimes even on weekdays so that I didn't have to think about you for a couple of hours. So, no, you don't get to ask me this!"

Even felt his insides turn upside-down, while he listened to Isak telling him how unhappy he had been. He already felt pathetic enough about letting the love of his life go, but now Isak had told him that it had all been for nothing, that his plan had backfired. How was he supposed to live with the fact that instead of setting Isak free, he had made things worse for him? Or with the fact that they had to live without each other for six years? He might even have ruined them forever, he might never get to be with his soulmate ever again. And all of that for nothing but suffering on both ends? Why did his mind have to play him like that again and make him lose everything that had been good in his life?

"But at least you have been well, huh?" Isak barged into his thoughts like an ice-cold storm. Even cringed and hooked his fingers together until his knuckles were white, to not lose it right there and burst into tears. He had been anything but well and he knew that Isak knew, that he just wanted to hit him back. And Even would let him, because it was what he deserved. "It took you only some months to finally figure out what to do with your life, once you were rid of me, huh? Well, it took me more than a year to get back on track, Even. More than a year. But I finally pulled my shit together and yes… I did achieve in Trondheim what I wanted to achieve. I've finished my Bachelor and my Master with the best grades and I now have a position as a Ph.D. student at UiO… But don't you dare, not even for one second, think that is thanks to you leaving me alone!"

Even kept staring at his white knuckles, which were starting to hurt. By now, he knew it. He knew that he ruined his one shot at happiness forever. Isak wouldn't understand why he had left. Isak couldn't forgive him for doing it, especially not without understanding his choice. He would walk straight out of Even's life once they had finished throwing everything on the table between them. And he would never come back.

This right here, right now was his only chance to save whatever semblance of a relationship Isak was willing to let him save. The pressure alone was making him tear up, his hand clutching the other even harder... He couldn't do it, he couldn't. He would have to let Isak go again because he was simply incapable of dealing with the pressure of making it right.

"Hey…" Isak's voice was soft in his ear – almost as soft as Isak’s small fingers loosening up his hands and caressing the skin over his knuckles. "Evy… Please, don't cry, okay? Please don't cry. Just tell me what made you think that you had to leave me. Tell me, Evy, please." Even didn't realize that Isak had stood up and was now squatting beside his chair until he felt another soft finger wiping tears from his cheeks. "It's okay, it's okay… We'll figure everything out later, but now I need to know, okay?"

This was not the reaction Even had expected, not at all. It was so much better than he could have imagined. Isak was soft instead of angry, he was there instead of putting on his shoes and jacket to walk out of Even's life. Isak had said that they would figure everything out instead of telling him to go fuck himself and never talk to him again. Was that hope squeezing at his heart?

Weakly he smiled at Isak and rubbed at his eyes before pulling himself back together. "Sorry… I just… I got so scared that you would walk out on me and that I'd never see you again and… uh, sorry…" He pulled Isak's glass of water towards him with the hand that was not caressed by Isak's fingers, to take a sip. He needed a moment to calm his nerves. Isak let him, just staying there by his side with his calming presence. Even wasn't sure how long it took until he was finally able to speak again. "I left because I was the one holding you back, Isak. It wasn't you who held me back, you could never… But I did and I'm sorry about that, okay? I didn't mean to… It was just that seeing you thrive like that, following all your dreams made me… Now, don't get me wrong, please, I was very happy for you and it did make me happy, too, in a way. But, I just… at the same time, it hit me hard how I wasn't doing any of those things. And I know I should have just talked to you about it, but I felt so much like a failure, you know? The psycho not going anywhere with his life as everyone expect-"

Even was smacked on the head so hard, he almost fell from his chair – okay, mostly out of surprise, but the smack was still pretty hard. "Don't you call yourself that, Even Bech Næsheim. Don't you dare call yourself that ever again in my presence or I will hit you even harder!"

"Ouch,” Even whined slowly, rubbing his head. Isak just scowled at him making him sigh. "Yes, okay… I'm sorry. Stop glaring, I mean it. I'm sorry and I don't think of myself that way! But it was the way I thought about myself again back then, okay? I hated myself for being the millstone around your neck, Isak... for holding you back and weighing you down. And that drove me straight back into my old ways of thinking. And everything you did to make Trondheim a better experience for me, the worse it got. I just knew that you deserved to live that experience to the fullest and that my being there was stopping you from doing that. So, eventually, I left."

"Fuck,” Isak sighed into his ear, almost sounding frustrated, but not quite. "I knew it would be dumb and ridiculous, Even."

It was silent after that – for at least a minute. Then a chair was scraping over the floor, as Isak dragged it next to Even to sit down. Once he was seated, he pulled on Even's sweater until he turned in his chair and they faced each other. "It was dumb and ridiculous and hurtful and the most _you_ thing to do, Even,” Isak whispered while taking Even's hands in his. Then he pulled them up a little to place the smallest, sweetest kisses all over them. It made Even shiver, sending goosebumps all over his body. "And I would very much like to hate you for it,” Isak finally continued, pulling his face away from Even's hands. "But I really, really can't. I hate that you left, I hate that you broke up with me, I hate that you thought that it was the only thing you could possibly do, and I hate that you felt so bad while we were in Trondheim. But I don't hate you, Even. I said this to Linn when we just had gotten together and everything went to hell and I still mean it. I could never hate you."

"No?" Even cautiously looked up at Isak, the faintest of smiles on his lips. "Do you mean that, Isak?"

"Yes, you idiot. Of course, I mean it. Look, what you did was really stupid, and it will take me time to forget about it…" Even stared at him, wild hope making his heart beat hard and fast. He was convinced it would jump out of his chest at any second. It was probably the most awaited 'but' of all 'buts’ to ever be spoken. The suspense was killing him, and he tried to stop his hopes from rising further, afraid that Isak might crush them, but he really couldn't. "But," Isak said eventually and Even was dying, dying, _dying_. "But I kind of understand, at least I think I do. Because I know you, Even, I know that you actually thought that you did the right thing, that you helped me… And as dumb a thought that might be, it's still… Even, no one ever cared about me as much as you do. No one. I've missed you for six years, you know… and I can't keep missing you."

Even bit his lip, drawing blood again, to stop himself from making a weird excited noise. He shouldn't get ahead of himself. This still could mean that Isak wanted to cut him out of his life and stop missing him by forgetting about him altogether. It didn't have to mean what he hoped it meant. But his heart was racing even faster, and he couldn't stop himself anymore. He tried to wait for another second to see if Isak would say more, but he couldn’t.

Arms first, Even flung himself at Isak, almost tumbling out of his chair. Instead he landed on Isak's lap, messily searching for his lips. Even’s own lips scraping over Isak's chin, his cheeks, the corner of Isak’s lips and then finally, finally, fucking finally, they were on Isak's. He kissed him wet and sloppy, eagerly and desperately, fiercely and needy. "Stop missing me then,” Even hummed against Isak's cupid’s bow. "You don't have to miss me anymore, Issy, baby… And I don't have to miss you anymore."

" _Evy_ …", Isak gasped into the kiss, his breathing heavy again. His hands had found their way to Even's hips, holding him there and pulling him ever closer, so that every part of their bodies touched. "I don't miss you anymore and I don't plan on doing it ever again… I love you."

Even stopped kissing him and just let his lips rest on Isak's, smiling hard against them. "I love you right back,” Even whispered, opening his eyes to look into Isak's sparkling green ones staring back at him. "I still do; I never stopped. I will never stop."

"Bech Næsheim, you fucking sap!” Isak laughed. A fond smile remained on Isak’s lips, as he sighed, "Never change, baby, never change.” He then proceeded to push Even away a little until he was able to look at him properly. "So… a teacher, huh? How did that happen?"

Almost bashfully, Even smiled at him and shrugged his shoulders. "I think it's Yousef's fault?! He took me to his pre-school a couple of times when I was feeling really down, because – his words – 'being with the kids will cheer you up, I promise. You can just draw with them and stuff…' And I guess he was right. I had a lot of fun with the kids and came back regularly and then things just happened…"

"Wait…" Isak frowned a little. "But you said you studied?! As far as I know, you don't have to study to work in a pre-school?" Even nodded. "Yeah, no… I'm going to be a primary school teacher. For Arts and Norwegian. While it was super fun to draw and play with the little kids, I think it will be so much more exciting and rewarding to actually work with them and help them get somewhere and… you know… be a kind of go-to person if they have problems – problems beyond ‘I need to go to the bathroom and can't unzip my pants on my own’."

The most affectionate smile played around Isak's lips as he nodded, "Yeah… wow, shit! Even, I'm so fucking proud of you," Isak gushed, his hands gingerly stroking over Even's side. "That’s great. And you will be the best teacher in the whole of Norway, you know? You will form little artists or novelists and you will help them grow up. That's fucking amazing, Even. You are amazing."

"Now, who's the sap?" Even asked, grinning broadly at Isak while tugging at his curls at the same time. He had missed playing with Isak's hair. Obviously, he had missed everything else, too, but being in this position just gave him the most wonderful view of those pretty curls, making them irresistible to him. "But yeah… thank you. I never thought that this would be the road I'd take, but here I am… It's still crazy to me on some days. But anyway – enough about me. What about you, huh? Ph.D.? What are you writing your dissertation on?"

A blush crept down Isak’s neck. "Uhm… well, I did my master's degree in Neuroscience, you know?" Isak deflected. "Yeah, so that is also the kind of thing I'm looking into in my dissertation… It's boring to you anyways, so…" Even raised both eyebrows and stared at Isak, knowing that it would eventually lead to him explaining it further. Soon enough, Isak was squirming under him so much that Even moved away to sit back on his own chair. "Uhm, yeah… so maybe, I started to focus on mental health issues during my master's program and I'm gonna go into that field with my research and yeah…" Even continued to look at Isak with raised eyebrows, but now he was shifting, as well. So, Isak had done research regarding mental illnesses. Why would he do that? And why was he blushing and stuttering because of it? "I guess… my main focus in the research is the brain function of people with bipolar disorder and how we can improve the treatments for it…"

"Oh…" It was all the sound Even could produce. A simple and surprised oh that lingered between them. He couldn't quite believe his ears. Isak did research on bipolar and its treatment. This boy… honestly… Even cleared his throat, twice, before he could manage to speak: "That's really cool, Issy. When… I mean, when did you decide that you would do that?"

Isak shrugged and, if possible, blushed even further. "Oh, I don't know… maybe about a year ago or so? It's very interesting and there hasn't been done too much research in this… So, I thought, I'd go for it, you know? Yeah… So, that's that… Anyway, how about… did you… have you… Did you – or I mean, do you maybe… have a new partner?" By now, Isak's face was almost aflame with a bright red and Even was all but dying of affection; Isak blushing might be one of his biggest weaknesses.

"No, there hasn't been anyone," Even replied after a moment of savoring Isak's blushing face. "I mean… yeah, of course, I hooked up and stuff. Maybe there has been someone for a month of two, but never anything serious, really. I just felt wrong after a while, because I knew I'd never feel more for them than attraction and maybe a little fondness… I was always holding back, so yeah… You? Pretty new boyfriend?"

Isak's laugh was a weird mix between flustered and sarcastic. "No, not at all. It was basically the same for me as it was for you… At one point, when I tried to convince myself that I was over you, I had a little crush. On a straight dude, of course… And that was that… I guess, I… - uhm… I guess I just always hoped that someday, somehow, you and I…"

"Well, that doesn't sound so offbeat anymore now, does it?" Even's smile was wide and toothy. He put his hand on Isak's, squeezing it hard. "I mean… At least, I hope you're up to it. I'd guess so, if your reaction earlier is anything to go by, but yeah…"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Evy…" Isak grinned at him, squeezing back with his hand. "Kidding. Yeah, I guess it doesn't sound too offbeat. Maybe you could ask me out on a date." Sheepishly Isak looked up at Even who didn't even bat an eye.

"Okay, yes, let's do it. We can do that… If you write down your address for me, I'll come pick you up tomorrow. 6 pm?"

Isak giggled happily before leaning in. Even caught Isak's face in between his hands and stopped him mere inches in front of his own face. Inquiringly he raised his eyebrows at Isak.

"Yes, yes, okay… 6 pm," Isak agreed, then pouted his lips in an almost needy way. "Now gimme a kiss, baby."


End file.
